My Compliments Journal

For some reason negativity seems to have more 'power' (I am not sure if that is really the word that I want to use, but I am going to use it) than positivity (is that a word?). According to a pretty big therapist and researcher, John Gottman, in our marital relationships we need to have 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction on a day to day basis, and during conflict we still need 5 positives for every 1 negative. That tells me we need a lot of positives! And even though his research is reflective of marital interactions, I would daresay that it would also transfer over to our relationship or interactions with our self.

Now to be honest it isn't always hard to think or tell myself the negative things... and when I am in that mindset it is extremely hard to remember the good things about myself. Truth be known, I do want to remember those good things about myself... and how am I suppose to remember those things unless I write them down (I feel like this could be a whole other post about journal writing and remembering and stuff, but I am not headed that way). And instead of writing them down in my private journal I have decided to write them here. For one, I think they will be easier to find when I really need to remind myself what I do have going for me, and two I think it can be powerful when we can stand up and say good things about our self and do so in a humble way (I hope I do this). I hope that as you read this you think of those positive things about your self... and if you so desire tell me what they are! I would love to hear it! Seriously! I love when people have good things to say, about others yes, but especially about themselves. So here is my first post about compliments I have received.

Just a few days ago my incredible amazing wish I could be like her in so many ways roommate took me to the spa to get a facial for my birthday. I said she was amazing, didn't I? And it was all a surprise... I love surprises! Anyway, back to the story at hand. I won't lie, I was a little anxious... even though I try to be comfortable not wearing make up, I still get nervous not wearing makeup when I have breakouts (and boy do I have them... lame! I thought they went away after adolescents not started after : p). So there I was super self conscious, totally focusing on the negative, when she proceeds to tell me:

'You have the softest skin.' huh, yeah I guess, I do. I never really thought about it (I also heard this one a few days later from a random guy squished next to me on a car ride, and I really am starting to believe it).
'Your pores are so small, you can barely see them.' Oh, yeah. I forget to even think about them because I can't see them.
'You virtually have no black heads. Nice.' Oh I don't? huh, who knew. Wow that is nice.

I walked out of that facial feeling great about myself. I hope I can remember these small things that I normally don't even notice. As we left me and my roommate shared experiences and it was interesting that she was also able to share some of your strengths about her skin... the neat part was that her strengths were unique to her and mine unique to me. We are not the same, but each have something different to offer.

Well, there you go. I say bring on the positive. So tell me please, what are your strengths about your skin?

Worth More than a Number!

Growing up we never had a scale in our house… at least not that I can remember. And if we did it was only around when I was super young. Even without a scale in the home I knew how much I weighed. And I knew I got a lot of attention for being skinny. Sometimes that attention was negative… being called chicken legs as a kid never quite felt like a compliment. There was a part of me that secretly craved these comments, whether they were positive or negative, they all meant the same thing: I was thin and I was beautiful. And oh did I crave to be beautiful. Beauty meant the perfect life, it meant someone, anyone, or everyone would love me, care for me, and accept me. There was another part of me that felt guilty or bad for being skinny, as if I was doing something wrong because I was skinny and others weren’t. Whether I listened to the part of me that craved the attention or the part of me that felt like my skinniness was wrong one part remained true: being skinny was a part, if not all, of who I was. I can’t remember exactly when the good and the bad comments about how skinny I was started to diminish. But when they did I literally had an identity crisis. If I wasn’t skinny… what was I? Being skinny was who I was, it defined me, and if people didn’t look at me and see skinny what would they see? That question frightened me right to the core. What if they didn’t see anything worthwhile?

Looking back I realize this was a huge turning point in my life. It would have been so easy to resort to unhealthy habits to try and ‘stay’ skinny. I could have started a diet, or exercising excessively, or behaviors that are even more destructive. In truth all signs pointed me in that direction. And to this day I do not understand why I didn’t go that way and why other girls did. I can tell you that there is no real difference between them and me. I found other ways to cope, equally as destructive (which we won’t be diving into today, we’ll save that for another day).

There is a part of me that wonders how a scale in the home could have changed my coping behaviors. Would that increasing number of a growing girl been too much? Would it have tipped me over the edge to dieting and excessive exercise? Would my worth have been defined every day by the number on the scale? Honestly, I don’t know. And I never will know how the scale could have changed my life. It scares me to think that something could have that much control over me, and I am so grateful that it never has.

Maybe your own story is somewhat similar to mine; maybe it is exactly the opposite. No matter what your story is we all have one. To this day I still do not own a scale. And I will never own one. I refuse to play into the notion that the number on the scale attributes any significance to my self-worth.

Do you have a scale? Where is it? What does that number mean to you? What does that number give you? What does it take away from you? How does that number make you feel? How does it control you?

Throw it out! Throw the scale out! I may be skinny or I may not be skinny. But I am not defined by my body or my weight! You and I are worth more than the number on the scale!

Still not convinced? Check out these other blog posts put on by our friends at Beauty redefined!

“Weigh Less. Smile More.” How Fitness Magazines Define Healthy in Very Unhealthy Ways.

Thin Ideals and the Way We Feel.

The Lies We Buy: defining Health at Women’s Expense.

The Pity Look

I am Marietta. I live in Provo Ut. I am 25. I am almost done with my Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy. I want to get a job at Center for Change. I am trying really hard to love running. I enjoy cooking. I like to sew and scrapbook. I pretend that I am a snowboarder and I enjoy it most of the time. I love boating and want to wake board more. I love Cafe Rio. Mornings are important to me. I feel better when I exercise, eat right, and study my scriptures. When I am upset or hurt I tend to stop talking. I have long hair, and refuse to cut it shorter than my shoulders. If I am tired I don't talk much either, good luck guessing whether I am tired, upset or hurt. I love laughing. I like to eat three meals a day. I am not much of a snack eater. I eat up compliments and praise. I love to read. I love talking about relationships. I believe nothing is more important than connecting with someone else. I enjoy a clean home. I have blue eyes. I am an aggressive driver. I love sandwiches... and chips. I love trying new things. The greatest gift I can give and receive is to believe in someone. I like pearls. Karaoke terrifies me right to my core. I drive a silver Elantra. I was injured while sky diving. I am going to Hawaii in May. And I am single.

I am single.

I am single.

I am single!

Why is it that no matter what I say about myself that one always seem to come across the loudest?

Or maybe it is the "oh..." followed by the awkward silence that is the loudest?

You know what I am talking about. You meet up with some old friends, or you meet a friend of a friend, or you are surrounded by extended relatives, it doesn't really matter with whom or where, the question will always come up. It's never asked in exactly the same way, that would be far too blunt and obvious. They always try to sneak it in rather casually, and usually they succeed. The problem is not the question. I am use to it. I know it is coming. And in a culture where everything seems to revolve around families and eternal companions, trust me I am not shocked when the question leaves your mouth. Truthfully it's not the question that I dread but what follows...

"Oh."

Silence.

Awkward Silence.

Pity look.

Then one of two things happens. 1) I give in and end up explaining why I am ok with being single, how I am happy with my life, progressing, moving forward, reassuring them that 'when the time is right' (or some equally cliche phrase) I will find that special someone, I just know it. Or 2) they end up feeling the need to explain why I am ok even though I am single, that I am happy, progressing and moving forward with my life, and that I don't need anyone to be happy. Then they end by reassuring me that who ever does catch me will be one lucky guy (this could also be substituted with many other cliche phrases).

Sometimes I wonder if it would be less awkward and painful to explain to someone that I was dying from some incurable disease instead of why I am still single. I imagine the conversation would go like this:

'I have an incurable disease, I will die within the next six months.'

'Oh no! That is terrible. I am so sorry for you. That must be so difficult for you! I can't even imagine what that would be like. There must be something I can do to help you out in this horrible situation.'

Less awkward? Yes. Very much so. In truth the only difference here is that they can actually say what they are thinking. When they hear that I am single you know they want to say 'Oh no! That is terrible. I am so sorry for you. That must be so difficult for you! I can't even imagine what that would be like. There must be something I can do to help you out in this horrible situation.' How inappropriate would that be? So instead I get the awkward silence. That awkward silence that is saying, 'I have so much to say but I can't say any of it, so I will just sit here and not say anything.' They feel uncomfortable, and I am left to reassure them that I am alright after all.

Looks like in the end the incurable disease is in fact comparable to singleness. Maybe when the inevitable question comes I should be more understanding of those asking the question, I mean hearing that your friend who you love and care for has an incurable disease... I mean, is single, can be hard, it can really rock your foundation. That must be hard and uncomfortable for you. ; )

speak up

The other day I went and got a massage. It was long over due. At the end I even scheduled another one in a few weeks. To be honest I should probably get one weekly. My shoulders, neck, and upper back are super tense... all the time. Anytime anyone rubs my shoulder they, without fail, comment on how many knots I have. It is even bad enough that when I drive sometime my shoulder will ache. And as I have been running lately it will start to hurt right around minute 28. Clearly something needed to be done. So I went to a massage therapist, and I still need to go to a chiropractor.

Anyway that isn't really the point of this post... so let's move along. I had such a great experience. I think I would attribute it to the fact that she (the massage therapist) wasn't just a masseuse but a therapist. She worked on my tense parts, gave me some exercises to do, and talked to me about why I am be so tense.

She told me that one way I could possible decrease my tension would be to give myself a voice, to speak up. Doesn't sound like it relates does it? That sounds like something I should be talking about with my talk therapist, right? Well for me it was exactly what I needed to hear, coming from just the right person. Every day I am more and more convinced that our bodies talk to us, that they tell us what we need, what to avoid, and what is good if we will just listen.

This idea of giving myself a voice isn't a new idea for me. In fact it was less than one week ago that someone who I trust and admire told me the same message. It is also something that I have known for a long, long time that I needed to develop. So today, having someone who doesn't even know me be able to tell me something that I and others have known about myself was powerful for me. It gave me the motivation to ponder, and then take it to the next step. I talked to someone and now I am writing out my thoughts. So now I need some ways to make it happen. How do you give yourself a voice? How do you get loud? I want and need your help on this one! Here are a few of my ideas:

I first thought I could actually go public with my blog. This may not seem like such a big deal. However what I share on my blog is personally and close to my heart. My blog is private because it is safer for me. So if I went public that would mean opening myself up to the world. It would mean vulnerability. Ugh. That word is so out to get me. But it would also mean putting my word out there and giving myself a voice.

Are you ever in a crowd of people and you say something or ask a question to someone but they don't hear you? What do you do? Turn your head and take a quick glance to make sure no one actually saw that you were talking to no one and pretend that you never said anything? Or get that person's attention and say it again, which means whatever you were saying was pretty important, which may seem arrogant of you (or at least I worry it would seem it was)?

Have you ever not told someone your opinion because... well for no real good reason? I have. Where is my voice in that case?! I need to speak up for myself. I need to let others know what my opinion is. It's not like I would be controlling what we did with my opinion, it just means my opinion gets to be heard.

Do you express your needs? Today I was talking to my neighbors and we were talking about roommate issues. It is so easy for me to tell someone else how to confront their roommate, but I never do it with my roommate. Seriously?! What is so hard about asking her to clean the bathroom one week? Sometimes it is just easier to do it yourself and avoid any confrontation, but that comes with a price. The price of silencing yourself. Speak up! Get your voice back!

I think that is a pretty good list for now. I am just going to start practicing. I am going to notice each time I give myself a voice, even in the smallest of ways, and that will be good enough to celebrate a success!

Words.

I have been thinking a lot lately on the power our words have on others. It is easy to think that words are so little and powerless, that one small word couldn’t have an effect big enough to warrant the energy or thought of changing it. Or could it…?

Today I support the power that our words truly have. Even the smallest and seemingly ineffective words. Consider the words But and And. How many times have we heard or said something great about someone only to follow it up with a But. The But completely negates all the good we just said. It leaves us only hearing the negative. Now that just isn’t right. If I am going to say something positive I want it to be heard! Now I am not naive enough to think that just because I say something positive that the other part, the not so positive part will all the sudden not hurt, or not be hard to hear, but I do believe it will take the sting off of it (notice how I used the word But there because in making my point I wanted to negate the idea that the But idea will not be heard-this is getting confusing, just try to stay with me). The truth is, usually when we say But we really are feeling two different things: the before the But idea and the after the But idea. The problem is that the But makes only one idea present (and it is usually the one that isn’t so pleasant to hear). At times I appreciate what someone has done AND I would appreciate more or something else. Replacing the But with an And makes a subtle change that says I feel two different things, it doesn’t negate the first idea and it therefore takes the sting off the second part of the sentence. This change is often so subtle that we don’t even realize it is there. Trust me it is there. 

I have watched couples tear their partners down with this one little word. When we use the word But it doesn’t matter how many positive things we say about someone when they are all discounted with the one negative after the But. Check out these real life examples:

I really appreciated when you helped clear the table after dinner this week but I would really like it if you emptied the garbage. –This sends the message that what you did wasn’t enough, or you did the wrong thing, in essence you are not good enough. 

I really appreciated when you helped clear the table after dinner this week and I would really like it if you emptied the garbage. –This sends the message that I appreciated what you are doing, it is great and here is a hint of something else that I would appreciate.

 

I really like him but I am not sure what will happen between us. –The But in this sentence makes the ultimate dissolution of the relationship seem inevitable.

I really like him and I am not sure what will happen between us. –This doesn’t even sound negative! It just sounds open-ended and unknown…because that’s exactly what it is (oh and that is a good thing!). 

I did a good job on my assignment but I know I could do better. –This leaves me feeling like I am not enough, I didn't do better, so why try next time.

I did a good job on my assignment and I know I could do better. –This really empowers me to try harder next time.

Are you a believer yet? Well go try it out! Change your But to an And; see if it is received better, see if it makes a difference. One small word said and heard every day from someone can make a big difference. We have the power and the choice to build others up or to tear them down. Elder Holland spoke of the power of our words. It is a powerful message. Read it. Ponder it. Live it. Out of all the many gifts I have been given in my life none have been as great as the gift of someone’s words. They gave me their love, a belief, and hope in myself all through their words. They never gave me criticism, hurt, defeat, failure, or shame. They used simple words, day in and day out that built upon each other until I received the greatest gift ever. For me there is no name for this gift, it is more a sense, a sense deep within myself. It is a part of who I am and how I see myself. It allows me to hold my head high, to risk, to fail, to succeed, to love myself and others, to ask, to grow and to learn. The possibilities are endless. I can pass it on. I can build others up, through my words, my powerful words.

Happy Valentine’s Day?

I posted this for work on the 14th of Feb. and thought I would post it here too. I don't always double post, unless I really like it... and I like the ideas this post presents.

 

I watch the Bachelor. There I said it. Now you know. I know it is ridiculous, fake, and completely unrealistic. And yet, I still watch it. I can’t help it. I love relationships. I love talking to people and seeing what they do, how they respond to the uncertainty and vulnerability of the dating life. Now before I go any further I should probably say that I do not support the show for anything more than entertainment (which is their ultimate goal anyway). I do not believe that the Bachelor is really able to create and have a safe, secure, intimate, trustworthy, or any other ingredient necessary to create a lasting and fulfilling relationship with any of the women. I don’t believe that they really fall in love while on the show or that anyone is able to know someone well enough to propose by the end of the show. I don’t believe that the relationship built through a few dates has the foundation that is necessary in a relationship to weather the test of time and challenges. So now that I have created sufficient doubt into the reliability and validity of the show, there is something that I find quite interesting. Every girl, every episode, is looking for one thing: to feel special.

It doesn’t matter that the guy that is dating you is also dating 10 other women (which in any other setting would be called cheating, but here we will call it the opportunity of a life time??), it doesn’t matter that you see him talking to, spending time with, and even kissing other women. All that matters is that for one minute you feel like he is only thinking about you, that he only cares about you, that you feel special for one moment (because at least in this show, we know it will only last a moment before he moves on to the next girl).

And I don’t think it matters if you are on the Bachelor or dating someone exclusively or have been married for 20 years or single and not even close to being in a relationship. Women want to feel special. Why is that so universal and important to women? I have absolutely no idea. But not knowing why does not make it any less true. 

I don’t think this is a secret. Women don’t hide this fact very well. In fact if you ask us we will tell you, we love to feel special. At the moment I can’t think of anything else that would top that feeling. It is no secret to the commercial industry that women want that, so of course with their best interest in mind they have created Valentine’s Day to mean buying something for women, and the more expensive the more they love you right? This concept has created two extremes on this blessed or blasted holiday. There are those who go all out on Valentine’s. From sun up till sun down you will continue to find surprises from your one true love. For them there is no limit, nothing is too extravagant or too expensive. Then you have those that fall on the other side. They absolutely despise Valentine’s Day, how fake it is, and how every store monopolizes this day for their own gain. They hate this holiday so much they refuse to show any support, and boycott buying anything at all this day. 

Where do you (or your loved one) fall? Do you tend to do too much or not enough? Well let’s go back to the basics. The purpose of this holiday is to show those you care about that you actually care about them (or in other words, show her that she is special to you). Does that mean you have to go buy the world and perhaps the moon for her? No. In fact if you are falling on the do too much extreme, maybe try not spending a dime this year. Can you still show her how much you care? Of course you can! And what about those who have already banned the word Valentines from their vocabulary? That is fine. No need to reintroduce it. While you may hate the holiday all she needs to know is that you love her. And trust me that can be accomplished without the help of a heart shaped pendant (oh geez, that is even too cheesy for me). But banning stores may not be the answer either.

This day is all about letting those that you love know it. Find a way to show them. Some people are really good at this, every day of the year. Others may need this day as a soft (or maybe hard) reminder to show those that you care about how special they are to you. And special doesn’t always mean buying something, but it does mean showing her you are thinking of her. 

I hope this holiday can be more than just how big your bouquet of flowers was and that instead we can focus on using this day as a time to remember how important are loved ones are to us and then to tell them. Keep it simple. A homemade card, a surprise visit, or meaningful time spent together can go a long long way.

You can call it a New Year's Resolution, but I'd rather not.

First, here is my confession: I don’t think I am very good at the whole goal thing. I do accomplish what I put my mind to, but it seems that I have a lot of lofty ideas that never actually make it to a goal, a plan, or a priority. Goal setting tips are easy enough; write the goal down, be specific, break it down into smaller steps, reward yourself (I will say I am pretty good at this one), and yet I don’t do most of them. I have found that when I am unable to do something that is simple it is because there is something deeper there. I took a good, hard, long, and yes even painful look at what was going on for me. I realized there were a lot of pitfalls blocking something simple from taking place. So I am writing my own rules for goal setting.

Rule #1: I get to choose the goals I want. This may sound silly; why would we make and try to keep a goal that we didn’t want? Yet I am willing to bet that many of our goals come from those around us and not from within ourselves. We see someone else, compare ourselves to them and then think, I should be doing what they are doing. In reality I may have absolutely no internal desire to do what they are doing. I am throwing out what it seems like I should be doing and I am going to pick something I really want to do. It is going to connect with me. It is going to feel right. My internal motivation will be there because it will be mine.

Rule #2: My success will no longer be determined by the completion of the goal but measured by the progress and growth from attempting and trying. Goals seem to be either pass or fail. Therefore, if I keep my goals locked away in my mind, I keep myself safe from failure. I tell myself that no one can see them; that I have not failed because they are just ideas. My mind gives me safety from failure. But that safety is an illusion. What I really get is no progress, no growth, and failure because there was no attempt. I am changing my core belief to any attempt, even a failed attempt, is a success. Now I am free. I am free to try. And I am free to fail. But more importantly I am free to succeed.

Rule #3: My goals are changeable. Have you ever set a goal, started it and then realized that particular goal was just not for you? At the same time you couldn’t just erase that goal from your list because then you would be abandoning, giving up, or quitting. Well I will no longer be bound by the goal. I give myself permission to change, alter, or adjust any goal I have made. Changing a goal does not mean quitting. Changing a goal does mean finding something that connects better with me, it means being true to myself, and it means finding and connecting with what I truly desire.

Rule #4: The way I achieve my goal will be beautiful. My goal may not be hard for you. You may do it perfectly. But it will be hard for me, and I may never do it perfectly. But I am learning that I can do it in my own beautiful way. Beautiful never meant perfect. It will be beautiful because I am doing it.

These are my rules. They are true for me. They are what I need to overcome my barriers. What barriers are you facing? What rules or core beliefs need to be changed so that you can succeed?

With all of you as my witness, I am taking one of my ideas out of the safety of my mind. I will run the Utah Valley Half Marathon on June 11, 2011. I will run it in my own beautiful way. I can change this goal if I find this truly isn’t what connects with me. This won’t mean quitting but that I have found something else that connects more. My success will be determined by the journey and progress and not solely by the end result. This is what I want. This will challenge me. I choose to try, to attempt, and to risk and therefore, I choose to succeed.

Those are my rules. They are a little bit harder to follow than the top ten tips for goal setting, but then they are asking me to do harder things. They make me face reality, face my fears, and face the possibility of failure. Take a good look at your resolutions. Then take a good, hard, long and yes even painful look at your barriers, your pitfalls, and your world. I promise the journey will be hard, but oh so worth it!