Who am I?

A few weeks ago I left my house to walk to ward prayer. And on my way I happened upon a curious chap. He introduced himself and I followed suit. He then asked me a spin of questions from your typical get to know you game, but instead of asking where I was from or what I was studying he asked “If you had to sum yourself up in one word what would it be?” Wow! One word to sum up my entire existence? There were a few words I wish I could have said with a good conscience, and so instead of actually looking at myself for what I am, I went with the safe humorous response.

“Marriage.”

Of course he laughed and so did I. And so did the many we told that story to. Humor aside that word does have some truth behind it, I mean besides being single and eventually wanting to get married (the only difference between me and every other girl out there is I just said what they all want to say), I am a Marriage and Family therapist. I spend my days talking to engaged, married, divorced, and separated couples. I don’t think anyone analyzes relationships more than me (well except for those who also do what I do). Not only do I analyze relationships but I also analyze people (I am sorry. Even though I know I tell you all that I don’t, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes I do). Every once and a while I will meet someone be it a man or a women and notice something about their presence. Some would probably call it their personality, but I choose to call it something else: presence, defenses, vulnerabilities, etc. And when I notice these ‘traits’ about someone I wonder and think what it would be like to be married to that person. How that ‘trait’ would affect their partner, the relationship. Yeah I know I am weird. But it is what I do. So in all honesty, marriage really is a word that can describe me.

Now I sit at home thinking about all the other words I wanted to say but wasn’t able to say. Are they really not true, or am I too afraid to see them in myself? So now when I look into the mirror what do I see? Who am I really? What is my one word that could sum me up? One word, only one.
While I am not sure that this word really sums me up all that well, I would love it if it could one day. I had a dear friend come to my house today, and comment on my comment in sunday school. I won’t go into the details about my comment other than to say it was a very tender and vulnerable place for me. She thanked me for making that comment, she told me that it opened the door for other comments to be made where, at least for her, she was able to think about some real stuff and learn some powerful things. That meant a lot. So one word that I would love to be able to sum me up is REAL. Does that sound too simple to you? It’s not for me. For me it means so many things. It means honest, secure in my insecurities, to know myself and to not be ashamed, and to be able to connect with those around you. To me this is huge. Maybe as big as it gets. And while I know I am not there yet I hope I can continue to grow and to get there, or at least get close.

Oh to be a Chef...

I have this secret dream of becoming an amazing chef. I don't mean the kind that have to work nights in a restaurant, I mean just for myself and the people I love. Being able to eat food that tastes better than any restaurant, all in the comfort of my own home. So what is holding me back from realizing my dream? I am not a horrible cook, and my undergraduate degree even involved cooking, so why am I not doing it? I recently left the grocery store thinking about my purchases and actually feeling a little down as I realized how much frozen food I had bought. I thank school for that one. There are some days where I am at the clinic for 12 hours, in which I eat all three meals there. I try not to eat out, and cooking is difficult, but you have to eat, right? So with limited time, and pretty much living at the clinic my dream will have to go on hold....or will it.

I know I can't cook everyday but once in a while would be nice. And today was my once in while. I made pressed chicken with yellow squash and tomatoes. It was perfect for a hot summer day, didn't take a lot of time (30 min), and didn't have to buy a lot of ingredients. Perfect for me. And yes, it tastes as good as it looks! so until my next once in a while...

Things I am Learning

I have recently been reminded time and time again that I need to update my blog, but time and time again I am not sure what to write about. In some ways I don't know what to write because I feel like I have changed so much since the beginning of the year that anything I write would turn out to be long and way too complicated to explain. So I am going to attempt to share a part of my experience, and to keep it simple. Only a part. A piece. A snapshot.

Tonight I went with a college to a Relief Society mid week activity to share a little bit on communication. It was an absolutely amzing time. I love what I do. And that feels wonderfully fulfilling. My friend, Garret, shared a scripture that I have been thinking about lately (it was also mentioned on another friends blog), it is in Mosiah 18 where they are talking about the the baptismal covenant, that we will mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that need comfort. The part that I think is interesting is that it doesn't say we will comfort those that mourn. Why is that? Why is it that we are to mourn with those that mourn? Is mourning with someone really going to help them? Shouldn't we be trying to make things better? Isn't that what we have always been taught? Taught that we need to help people feel better? Taught that being sad or mourning are not productive feelings? and yet right here in the scriptures plain as day, we are to mourn with those that mourn, not comfort them, not fix it, and not change those feelings. Coriantumr says, "I mourned and refused to be comforted." Feeling someone's pain is power. For both parties involved. It is also healing, feeling the pain is the first step in healing. So why is it so scary for me and maybe for you to lead others to feel that pain and to feel my own pain? That is the part I don't know yet, but I want to get there. I want to understand myself better, and to be comfortable enough with my own mourning and that of others so I can mourn with them and truly keep my covenants.