I am a marriage counselor. Many of you know that. Many of you also know that I became a marriage counselor long before I was ever married. How (you may wonder) can you do that if you aren't even married? In truth I got asked that question a fair number of times. Sometimes by friends, other times by family, and even sometimes by my very own married clients receiving marital counseling from me! I once even had a prospective employer ask me that very question. With all the many people who have asked me that question, that was the one and only experience where I got asked that question from a fellow counselor. And the one and only time I got upset about being asked that question. Don't worry I not only had a very convincing answer but a good answer. He hired me. And I refused to work for him. That is another story for another day. Today I want to share my response for anyone wondering how a single woman could possible be a successful marital counselor.
First I will ask you to make a list with me. Include in this list any possible reasons why someone would need counseling and therefore end up in my office. Here let me help you get started with some of the generals....
depression
anxiety
marital counseling (they usually say it's about communication, but it is usually about something else)
self-destructive behaviors
addictions (pornography, alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc)
parenting stuff (this one is pretty broad... just imagine any problem from 0-36 and I've probably talked to someone about it)
body image issues
coping with a parents divorce
eating disorders
sibling rivalry
bipolar
personality disorders
self-esteem issues
Ok, so I hope you get the idea because this list is kinda endless (and I even did a lot of grouping together). Now go back over your list and I want you to circle any of those things you think I have personally experienced. I realize you probably have no idea, but logically how many of those things in that list, or that I treat everyday have I experienced myself. Let's be honest, my life is not perfect. I have had my fair share of hurt, rejection, struggles and challenges, but there is no way I have experienced everything on that list. Maybe I could circle a few of those. But most of those I haven't come close to experiencing. Yet no one has ever asked me how I would know how to help someone struggling with a porn addiction or how I could possible help a teen stop cutting if I haven't been there myself. No one questions it because it is not the norm to have experienced those. They don't question me because I went to school, I learned, practiced and trained to be a counselor. I would say that the very same principle applies to marital therapy. I don't have to experience it to be able to help. I went to school. And not just any school. I went to BYU, in their Marriage and Family Therapy program. Where we not only specialize in couples counseling but it is also one of the top 3 schools in the nation. I would also venture to say the biggest reason I can help others through challenges that I have not personally faced is because I have experienced hurt,
rejection, shame, etc and I have healed from them. Everyone's journey
involves a different struggle, but the stops we make (or emotions we feel) to heal are very
similar. My hurt may not have been the same hurt as yours but I have been healed and I can help to lead you to your healing.
Usually when I talk with my clients, friends, family, or even potential employers about this they jump right on board.
Now I am married. Obviously no one has asked me that question since I got the sparkly on my finger. I am sure my clients assume I have been happily married for years. That some how, now that I am married, I can better understand how they could have had an affair, hit their spouse, fallen out of love, or a million other issues. So here is the big question: Does being married make it easier to understand my clients and then in turn make me a better marital therapist?
The big answer: Yes and No. Pretty vague right? It's interesting how most answers to the hardest questions are some form of that. Maybe. It depends. Sometimes.
Here is the yes part: Of course I can understand a part of them better. I have (even though it may be for a short time) experienced what marriage is. I am sure this same understanding would come from experiencing anything my clients are experiencing. Obviously I can learn about it, conceptualize it, and treat it without ever experiencing it. But it will always be different when I have experienced (at least to some degree) what they are experiencing. Understanding will come easier and greater. Empathy will come naturally, and facilitate healing for the individual or couple.
And here is the no part: Maybe I should say, up to this point, no. I mean I have only been married for 4 months! I would love (well only maybe, because I usually think it is super annoying when other girls do this) to write about how, I like have the very bestest marriage ever, and we love each other so much, and everything is so perfect because I am married. I would be lying and you would all know it. So here is the honest truth: I have a wonderful marriage that my husband and I both work at. We have been married for only four months and we are both fully aware that we are deep into the honeymoon stage. The adjustment to marriage has been easy for us and I attribute that to how well we knew each other before marriage. Not only did we date for almost 2 years, but we also spent our dating time wisely (talking about things that really would matter in marriage, and dates that helped us learn about each other in all types of environments). When I sit across from a couple that has been married 2 months or 20 years and they detest each other, it is hard for me to imagine how anyone could go from where we are to where they are. Clearly it is possible. And really I do know how they get there. One little hurtful or damaging thing at a time. But to be perfectly honest, in one sense it is harder for me to relate to them.
So married or unmarried there will always be challenges in relating to my clients. When I don't feel as connected to their experience as I would like to feel, I simple remind myself that the biggest influence I will be able to have upon them comes from love and not from complete understanding. Love is a true healer... and that will be another post for another day (it seems I have a lot to post about).
And if you made it to the end of this post I would just like to say congrats. I am impressed.
