Have you ever noticed that sometimes our knee jerk
reaction to avoid catastrophe A from taking place actually propels catastrophe
A to take place?
I have. Here is a classic example. Parents are fearful that their child will engage in a certain, or perhaps any, illegal, promiscuous, or inappropriate activities. Parents’ knee jerk reaction is to lecture child (or a variety of other options). This may include, but is not limited to the following: telling the child how much they (the parents) know about… well anything, life, the child’s life, temptations, right and wrong, etc., explaining to the child what they, the child, should do in well pretty much any situation, and so forth the list could continue. The knee jerk reaction, is obviously not the most thought out, and therefore not the most appropriate, reaction.
What is the next step in this classic relationship interaction? Child rebels. Child participates in said illegal, promiscuous, or inappropriate activity. Parent lectures again fearing that the child ‘didn’t get the message.’ Child rebels again. And so on and so forth.
Need another example?
Well here is another (turns out they aren’t hard to find).
Girls gets asked out on date. Girl is attractive and has a lot going for her… the only problem is she doesn’t always know it (any girls out there relate to that feeling?). Girl is so nervous for this date. She likes this guy. And let’s face it she is so nervous that he won't like her. So the pressure is on to make this date great so that there will be another date. Unfortunately she is so so so anxious to get the second date that she sabotages her chances… let me explain. First she spends all afternoon trying on 20 different outfits, all the while trying to guess which one he would like best. The anxiety and pressure mounts as she tries to make herself just what he wants and when it comes time for the date… her anxiety is so high that she freezes. She is so worried that she might say something that would turn him off she just doesn’t say anything at all. And when she does, it is only to agree with him or to answer a question how she thinks he would want her to. It is not hard to see how desperately girl wants to be with boy. She wants it so bad, her desires and intentions are good. However her knee jerk reaction will lose her that opportunity because boy doesn’t want a female version of him, he wants girl, the true girl. Therefore the steps she took to try and secure that second date will actually cost her the second date.
Let’s do another.
Boy and girl are dating (maybe the same boy and girl, but maybe not), and have been for a while. Boy goes to certain social event without girl. Girl is hurt and wonders why he didn’t ask her to go with him. (Now I realize I could take this in the direction of the boy… but let’s stick with the girl. I am one, so I know them better… well generally speaking anyway) Girl is sad because she wants to be close to boy, she wants to strengthen her bond with him and when he didn’t invite her she wonders if he wants the same thing. So what does she do? She withdraws. For this girl that means she is a little bit colder towards him when she does see him and that she makes plans with other friends so they are not together as much. She does this for two reasons. 1. To protect herself from getting hurt more by him. And 2. She wants him to notice that she isn’t there. She wants him to chase her, to come to her, to get closer to her. So does it work? In my experience? No. eventually she will have to turn towards him and stop running, she will have to tell him how she feels and that she wants to be close to him. If she doesn’t, if she sticks with her knee jerk reaction they will continue to grow farther and farther apart until they break up (ok, I realize I am being a little extreme). I am sure boy could notice something isn’t right and it could all work out. But isn’t it just as likely that he is hurt that she isn’t spending time with him so he pulls away too? And doesn’t a break up or divorce start with something this simple that never gets resolved or talked about? Just sayin. Once again in her attempt to get him to notice her absence and draw closer to her she actually pushes him away.
In each case, and in many other cases, the story is the same. They want something. They trust their knee jerk reaction. And they lose the very thing they were after.
Sometimes I wonder what I want that I am preventing myself from getting because I am so scared, or so anxious about getting it that I can’t open my heart, mind, and eyes enough to see what I really need to do to get it.
And why is it that our knee jerk reactions are often the very things that end up hurting us and the very things we will need to overcome in order to get what we truly want? I know that some of us have a few more harmful knee jerk reactions than others, but we all have some knee jerk reactions to work on (and if you just thought ‘No, actually I think I am alright,’ you are probably the person who needs it most).
It is so easy and comfortable, and it seems so safe to stick with our knee jerk reactions. But guess what? Growth, progression, and deepening our attachment with others do not come that way. Those things only come from taking risks, being vulnerable and honest, and doing what is the hardest for us to do (or usually the exact opposite of our knee jerk reaction).
So why doesn’t girl just talk to boy the second she gets hurt? Why don’t parents just listen to their child instead of talking at them? Why is that so hard? And why isn’t that our knee jerk reaction? I wish I knew. I wish I understood myself and others better. I wish it all made more sense. I wish a lot.
This is what I know. I know that I am human, here to make mistakes and learn how to have successful relationships. I know that I have faults and weaknesses and this often represent themselves in my knee jerk reactions. I also know that I can change my knee jerk reactions. I know that my knee jerk reactions don’t define who I am. But they have the potential to propel me in the direction to become who I truly am. And if I can get far enough away from my knee jerk reactions I may just get what I am really after.
