My Friend Allison

The other night a good friend called me, and she couldn't have called at a better time. I had fallen asleep at 5:30pm and her phone call woke me up at 7pm.  This was much appreciated as I prefer not to take naps because then I have such a hard time falling asleep at night. Any way her name is Allison, and she is pretty much amazing.  I love her and respect her a lot. It was such a treat to hear from her and it is always easy to talk to her.  We had a good conversation and I was glad for the opportunity to catch up with her.  Towards the end of our conversation she paid me a compliment that was such a pleasure to receive, I decided right then and there it needed to go in my compliments journal. She told me that talking to me makes her happy (I am sure that has more to do with her positive outlook on life than it does with me and how awesome I am to talk to).  And then she said that she appreciates talking to me because it is easy for her to see and feel my testimony through my words of my everyday experiences. 

While that is definitely one of the highest compliments I have ever been given, I could also argue that the experience is just as much due to her own spirituality as it is mine.  I have always been impressed with Allison and her knowledge of the gospel, but more than that, I have been impressed that she knows who she is and what she stands for and won't be swayed by peer pressure, convenience, fear, or anything else.  I am sure that she was able to see and hear my testimony in my words partly because of the person she is and where she chooses to focus her attention.  And maybe just maybe she was a safe enough person for me to truly open up and show her a sacred part of myself. So while I am so thankful that she was able to feel the spirit while talking to me, and I would love it if everyone felt the same way after talking to me, I would also like to acknowledge and thank Allison for being the person she is, for making me feel safe enough to open up and share a part of me with her. Thanks Allison, you rock!

(Allison this post is kinda dedicated to you, just in case you didn't realize)

2011 Recap

As I think back on all that has happened in 2011 there is one phrase that seems to incorporate my 2011 in a nut shell: "Everything is going to be OK." No doubt this is a phrase we all hear quite often, especially as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For whatever reason I have not only heard this quite a bit the last year but it has found a way to be a big part of my year. Allow me to share my experiences with you and what I learned.



Introductory Experience #1:

Many months ago I heard a friend use this phrase. I can't remember what she was talking about but for some reason it stood out to me. She was so anxious about something in her life that wasn't going exactly according to plan (weird, right? I mean my life always goes exactly as I plan). It seemed that she used this phrase to take the anxiety around the situation away. This seems to be something we tell ourselves so that we don't have to worry ourselves to death but can keep living instead. As she said this it was as if a cloud of anxiety lifted from her. Later I will get into the truth of this statement and how it relates to the gospel, but what I learned in this moment was that this saying or phase is used to allow us to freely live each moment of our lives without being bound by our anxiety.



Introductory Experience #2:

A few less months ago I attended training to be a volunteer for the Utah County Crisis Line. During this training we spent some time discussing reflective listening. This wasn't really new information to me. I have spent the last 2 years of my life learning and practicing these skills. At one point during the training we discussed what people do not want to hear when they are in any crisis, be it large or small. One phrase that was said was "Everything will be OK."  When this phrase is said by the person who is not in the crisis, but by the other person listening about the crisis, it seems to dismiss the person’s crisis, sending them the message that they really shouldn’t be worried or anxious about this particular thing.  I am sure we have all either had this experience or one equal to it where our feelings or concerns were just dismissed for us by someone else… there is little else that gets me quite as ticked as when I see this happen with me or with someone else.



After these two experiences telling me how important this phrase was, it seemed that this phrase not only presented itself many times throughout the year, but somehow became the theme of my year. For me this phrase is all about trust, and trusting in our Heavenly Father.  Let me demonstrate with just a few of the many experiences I had this last year:



Experience #1:

After feeling prompted to sign for another housing contract when I still had to pay for my current housing contract for 4 more months this phrase became a daily mantra. I signed and began paying double rent all the while praying and doing all that I could to sale my contract.  For about three weeks nothing happened, nothing changed, and my anxiety over the situation went through the roof (there was no way I could afford to pay double rent for 4 months).  The entire time I just kept telling myself over and over again, “Everything will be OK.”  I had no idea how that would happen, I only knew that I was prompted by the spirit and I knew the Lord would not abandon me. It was scary because perhaps in the Lords eyes OK meant that I would be paying double rent for the summer, and if that was the case I would then have to trust the Lord that this situation would not ruin me financially and it would still be OK.  Trust is hard when I am scared and worried, but when I do trust in Him it is so freeing (especially from my anxiety). Once the whole situation panned out, everything really was OK, and the Lord really did know what he was doing. I even ended up saving money in rent that summer.  It wasn’t ideal, but it worked.



Experience #2:

While this one hasn’t quite wrapped itself up like the previous experience it has helped me learn to trust my Heavenly Father more than I thought possible. This last year I have watched two of my family members struggle, each with different things but each choosing in part the same ending.  Both have chosen, for reasons I don’t fully know, to stop participating in the blessings the gospel has to offer.  While I do not know all of their trials and heartache, I am keenly aware of my own heartache for them.  I hurt as I think of the wonderful blessings they are missing out on.  And I hurt as I think how this decision will affect their children and our family.  I pray that they will be able to see how the gospel blesses lives and by living these true principles we and they will be happy and taken care of in this life and that they will choose to participate again. Like anyone I do not know how their lives will turn out.  I do not know if they will ever turn back to the Lord, His ways and His church. But I have to trust that ‘everything will be OK.’ I don’t know when and I don’t know how and I don’t even know what OK will be, but I have to trust that it will turn out OK. I have to trust that Heavenly Father loves them more than I love them, that He will not give up on them and that He will give them every possible opportunity to choose Him.



In truth I could share what feels like a dozen other stories where this same principle presented itself in 2011 and maybe is still present as I enter 2012. But I hope these two stories suffice. I have never had a theme for an entire year. Apparently it was not only an important lesson to learn but the lesson to learn. What was your lesson for 2011?

Knee Jerk Reactions

Disclaimer: All examples in this post are generalized.  They do not reflect in any way what always happens or what will happen with you.  They are not always true, nor are they always false.  They are generalizations to create an understanding or express a point of view (in this case, my point of view).

Have you ever noticed that sometimes our knee jerk reaction to avoid catastrophe A from taking place actually propels catastrophe A to take place?

 I have.

Here is a classic example. Parents are fearful that their child will engage in a certain, or perhaps any, illegal, promiscuous, or inappropriate activities.  Parents’ knee jerk reaction is to lecture child (or a variety of other options).  This may include, but is not limited to the following: telling the child how much they (the parents) know about… well anything, life, the child’s life, temptations, right and wrong, etc., explaining to the child what they, the child,  should do in well pretty much any situation, and so forth the list could continue. The knee jerk reaction, is obviously not the most thought out, and therefore not the most appropriate, reaction. 

What is the next step in this classic relationship interaction? Child rebels. Child participates in said illegal, promiscuous, or inappropriate activity.  Parent lectures again fearing that the child ‘didn’t get the message.’ Child rebels again. And so on and so forth.

Need another example?

Well here is another (turns out they aren’t hard to find).

Girls gets asked out on date.  Girl is attractive and has a lot going for her… the only problem is she doesn’t always know it (any girls out there relate to that feeling?).  Girl is so nervous for this date.  She likes this guy.  And let’s face it she is so nervous that he won't like her.  So the pressure is on to make this date great so that there will be another date.  Unfortunately she is so so so anxious to get the second date that she sabotages her chances… let me explain.   First she spends all afternoon trying on 20 different outfits, all the while trying to guess which one he would like best.  The anxiety and pressure mounts as she tries to make herself just what he wants and when it comes time for the date… her anxiety is so high that she freezes.  She is so worried that she might say something that would turn him off she just doesn’t say anything at all.  And when she does, it is only to agree with him or to answer a question how she thinks he would want her to.  It is not hard to see how desperately girl wants to be with boy.  She wants it so bad, her desires and intentions are good.  However her knee jerk reaction will lose her that opportunity because boy doesn’t want a female version of him, he wants girl, the true girl.  Therefore the steps she took to try and secure that second date will actually cost her the second date. 

Let’s do another.

Boy and girl are dating (maybe the same boy and girl, but maybe not), and have been for a while.  Boy goes to certain social event without girl.  Girl is hurt and wonders why he didn’t ask her to go with him. (Now I realize I could take this in the direction of the boy… but let’s stick with the girl.  I am one, so I know them better… well generally speaking anyway) Girl is sad because she wants to be close to boy, she wants to strengthen her bond with him and when he didn’t invite her she wonders if he wants the same thing.  So what does she do? She withdraws.  For this girl that means she is a little bit colder towards him when she does see him and that she makes plans with other friends so they are not together as much.  She does this for two reasons.  1. To protect herself from getting hurt more by him. And 2. She wants him to notice that she isn’t there. She wants him to chase her, to come to her, to get closer to her.  So does it work?  In my experience? No. eventually she will have to turn towards him and stop running, she will have to tell him how she feels and that she wants to be close to him.  If she doesn’t, if she sticks with her knee jerk reaction they will continue to grow farther and farther apart until they break up (ok, I realize I am being a little extreme).  I am sure boy could notice something isn’t right and it could all work out.  But isn’t it just as likely that he is hurt that she isn’t spending time with him so he pulls away too? And doesn’t a break up or divorce start with something this simple that never gets resolved or talked about? Just sayin.  Once again in her attempt to get him to notice her absence and draw closer to her she actually pushes him away.

In each case, and in many other cases, the story is the same.  They want something.  They trust their knee jerk reaction.  And they lose the very thing they were after.

Sometimes I wonder what I want that I am preventing myself from getting because I am so scared, or so anxious about getting it that I can’t open my heart, mind, and eyes enough to see what I really need to do to get it.

And why is it that our knee jerk reactions are often the very things that end up hurting us and the very things we will need to overcome in order to get what we truly want? I know that some of us have a few more harmful knee jerk reactions than others, but we all have some knee jerk reactions to work on (and if you just thought ‘No, actually I think I am alright,’ you are probably the person who needs it most). 

It is so easy and comfortable, and it seems so safe to stick with our knee jerk reactions.  But guess what? Growth, progression, and deepening our attachment with others do not come that way. Those things only come from taking risks, being vulnerable and honest, and doing what is the hardest for us to do (or usually the exact opposite of our knee jerk reaction).   

So why doesn’t girl just talk to boy the second she gets hurt? Why don’t parents just listen to their child instead of talking at them?  Why is that so hard? And why isn’t that our knee jerk reaction? I wish I knew.  I wish I understood myself and others better. I wish it all made more sense. I wish a lot.

This is what I know. I know that I am human, here to make mistakes and learn how to have successful relationships. I know that I have faults and weaknesses and this often represent themselves in my knee jerk reactions. I also know that I can change my knee jerk reactions.  I know that my knee jerk reactions don’t define who I am. But they have the potential to propel me in the direction to become who I truly am. And if I can get far enough away from my knee jerk reactions I may just get what I am really after.