Live to feel it all.: hypnobabies

It feels a little weird to even write the title. I have a birth story. I had spent 41 weeks, and probably some time before that, imagining what my birth story would be. I read others' birth stories, I asked to hear your birth stories, and I imagined what mine might be like. I did not imagine this birth story, but this is how my story goes. (Below you will find all the glorious and gory details. Feel free to skip right on down to the pictures if that is more your style).

Let me first paint a small picture of all the prep work I did to prepare for my birthing time. It felt like for 9 months I researched every possible intervention to make make sure I understood the risks and benefits associated with it. (Like did you know that repeated exposure to ultrasounds has been linked to brain damage in animals? Yet ultrasounds are now preformed routinely on pregnant women without any research to support this practice. We felt comfortable with the one short ultrasound between 20-22 weeks, but opted out of any other ultrasounds). I have always wanted to have an unmedicated birth and along with my research we signed up and took a hypnobabies class to help prepare us for the birthing experience. I made a birth plan with my preferences. A basic summary of my birth plan would be least interventions possible. I wanted to have a natural birth, I wanted my body to do its thing, and I wanted to experience birth. The biggest thing I wanted to avoid was a C-section and with all the research I read the most sure way to stay away from a c-section is to stay away from interventions as well, so that was our plan going into it. Plans... they are a funny thing...

I was 40 weeks and 6 days when I woke up to some waves (contractions) at around 3am. I was able to sleep through them till 4, and then went to the couch and continued to sleep through them until about 5:15ish. Then I just laid there, thinking this could be it. I had lost my mucus plug a few days earlier and really had not had any pre-birthing time waves so I was hopeful this was the real deal. Out of all the things I wanted to have happen during my birth story, only a couple things actually did, and this was the first one!

Success #1: I always imagined my birthing time beginning in the early morning, and it did!

At around 5:50-6:50am I timed my waves. They were 7 minutes apart but not very intense at all. For the next two hours I packed my hospital bag, had Marshall make me breakfast, and just enjoyed myself. Between 9-10am my waves slowed to 10 minutes apart... which I was sad about but right after 10am they began coming a lot quicker. And for the next 5 hours they were consistently 4-5 minutes apart. I remember pulling out some frozen cookie dough and cooking some cookies for the nurses (as it turns out I ended up forgetting the cookies so they never did get them! Sorry!). We then had an appointment scheduled at our clinic so we went in and they did a non-stress test which confirmed I was having contractions, but the midwife told me I would be able to tell when I was getting closer because things wouldn't be quite so fun inbetween waves anymore. We left, got lunch and went back home. By this time I was experimenting with different positions and Marshall was doing pressure points on me to see what I liked. Waves were getting more and more intense as the time went on, but nothing too intense. Around 2pm my friend Kalli showed up. I had asked her to be part of my birthing team so that Marshall didn't have to do everything. I am so grateful that she was able to come and the help she offered was priceless.

By 3pm Kalli was a little nervous that my waves were consistently 4-5 minutes apart and we weren't at the hospital (they tell you to go in when they are 3-5 minutes apart). She had a point. Why weren't we at the hospital? I guess it just didn't quite feel real to me, and I was waiting for the waves to get a little more intense. We began to slowly prepare to go. We loaded the car. I ate something. And then right as I could not think of another reason to stall I had a more intense wave, and said, 'Let's go.' The waves continued to intensify as we arrived at the hospital and then as they strapped the monitors on me and had me sit in triage. It was no longer fun between waves and I was glad we were already at the hospital. The hour that I was hooked up to the monitors in triage was not fun! I was so happy when she came in after an hour to check me for progression so we could get to our room. Now part of my birth plan was that I didn't want to know how dilated I was because I knew that I could easily be discouraged by that number. I instead asked them to only share that information with Marshall. After my hour long adventure in Triage I was told that I wasn't progressing and I needed to go home and labor there longer before I could be admitted. I won't lie, I started crying. While I didn't know what I was dilated to I did know that it was less than a 4 and that I hadn't dilated 1cm in the hour I was in Triage. As it turns out I later found out I was only dilated to 2cm at that point.

This was one of my emotional lows. I didn't realize it would be so hard to get sent home from the hospital. And I think one reason it was so hard to get sent home was because the waves were getting very intense and not being in the hospital made the birth feel so far away (and turns out it was). We decided to go home and I got in the shower in order to help relax me. The shower was nice. I stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out. That is the down side of living in this apartment complex. Once I was out, Marshall and I decided a bath would be a good idea for me at this point. Unfortunately we had no more hot water, so we called a friend and went to her house to use her tub. Kalli met us there.

The tub was more relaxing. Mostly the water helped inbetween waves, more than with the wave itself. I tried to eat something while I was in the tub, but I didn't get much down. I really have no idea when we got in the tub or how long we were there. I know eventually I got out because the water had cooled. While we could have refilled it, I instead opted to sit on the birth ball (exercise ball) and rest my head on the edge of the bed. At this point Kalli decided to start timing my waves. It didn't take long for Kalli and my other friend to surmise that I was in transition. They said I had all the signs. My waves were 2-3 min apart, one lasting upwards of 5 min. They were extremely intense. I was shaking, and in a few minutes I would feel like throwing up. When they told me it was time to go to the hospital, I just told them I couldn't go. I didn't want to get in the car. Obviously they ended up convincing me, but Marshall rode in the back with me, holding me and doing pressure points the whole ride there.

We arrived at the hospital at the hospital around midnight, so 7 hours after we had been sent home. Camilia met us at the hospital to be present when the baby came to take pictures. They took us to triage, checked how dilated I was and hooked me up to the monitors and I was told they would check me again in an hour. I was so confused at this point. I was certain that I had dilated enough that they wouldn't need to leave me in triage for another hour. However, I never verbalized my confusion because it took everything I had to work through the waves I was experiencing. It turns out we were in triage for almost two hours. It was during this time that I finally put on my hypnobabies sound tracks and I was able to relax enough in between waves to fall asleep. While we had been doing hypnobabies cues the entire time, my one regret is that I didn't listen to the tracks earlier. For some reason I thought it would be too hard to focus on them between waves, but they were very relaxing. Finally we were told during my time in triage I had only progressed 1/2cm. And they wanted to send me home to progress further before they admitted me.

This was my second low point. In my mind I knew that the most I could be was 4cm and even that was discouraging. A few minutes later a different nurse came in and accidentally announced how dilated I actually was, 3cm. That means for 7 hours at home I had only dilated 1cm! This was the moment that I understood how women and children could die in childbirth.This is the moment I began doubting that my body knew what it was suppose to do. In retrospect, I now describe my body as being confused (and as you read on you will understand more of why I say that). My body was reacting to 3cm the way a lot of bodies react when they are in transition. This was the moment I didn't think I could do this much longer. Let alone 1cm every 7 hours longer. It was 2am. I had been up for 23 hours. I was exhausted. I was in intense labor. And they wanted to send me home!? For the next hour I begged Marshall to tell the nurse I wanted an epidural. And for the next hour he kept encouraging me that I could do this. I wasn't very happy with him in that moment. I wanted him to be supportive of me and what I wanted or perhaps even needed. Eventually I told him I didn't need him, that I can take care of myself and I walked out of Triage and told a nurse I would like to get the epidural.

Later, Marshall was able to explain to me that he wanted to make getting the epidural difficult so that that when I looked back on it I wouldn't feel like I failed for getting it. That I would be able to look back and know that it was what I needed and may have even allowed me to continue to labor and bring our baby into this world. I am so grateful for his insight. As I look back on the decision to get the epidural and I ask myself how I feel about it? Obviously I wish my birth would have progressed textbook style. If that had been the case I would have been well into recovery when I was just getting the epidural. I fully expected an 8, 12, 16, or even 20 hour birth. But to be 24 hours into it and dilated to 3cm, was not something I even remotely considered. Do I regret getting the epidural? No. But I still wish it could have gone differently. I still wish I could have progressed faster, or that my body wouldn't have been so confused. And who knows how my body would have progressed without an epidural. Most of me feels like we took the path that our birth story took us, and then there is a small piece of me that wonders if I failed. I don't listen to that piece a lot, and even just acknowledging that it is there, almost makes it go away.

Anyway, on with the story. At 4am I got the 'walking' epidural. I can't actually walk with it, but I can move my legs in the bed and I am not completely numb. It came on really strong so initially it really numbed me, which was nice for me and my birthing team because we were all able to get a few hours of crappy but much needed sleep. At 8:30am the new midwife on call came in to the hospital and we were able to discuss with her how things were going (at this point I would just like to say it sure would have been nice to have had a midwife around before the epidural to discuss options/risks/benefits of the epidural. They wouldn't let us talk to her, instead they would call her and get the OK. It was frustrating and the next time around I am going to be more pushy about actually speaking with the midwife before doing any interventions. They are the expert so it would be nice to talk to them before we make these major decisions. Enough about that). The epidural had slowed my waves and progress-hard to imagine that could be possible. So we discussed different options to try and get my body to progress quicker. After discussion and a blessing we decided to break my water.

Success #2: Saturday my favorite midwife came on call at 8am. I was praying I would be able to birth with her and that was the only good thing about entering my 29th hour of labor.

My water was broken at 10:15am. For the next two hours I did not have one contraction. Not one. See my body was super confused. This was Marshall's lowest point. After the first hour the midwife-Claudia came in and said, 'hmm... no contractions. Let's give it another hour to see how you respond.' It was reassuring to me that she seemed so calm about it, but I knew I didn't want to have to do any more interventions so for the next hour I repeated over and over to myself that my body was progressing and this baby was coming. At 12:15, almost exactly two hours after they broke my water my waves started back up again and Claudia was content to let my body progress from there.

It took another almost 7 hours for my body to dilate to a 10. Those 7 hours were more intense than you may imagine with an epidural. Like I said the epidural comes on strong but then it fades away. They give you a booster button, but I really tried not to use it because I really enjoyed working through my waves. I was feeling a lot of pressure, and Kalli and Camilia were doing pressure points on my back and knees, Marshall was near my head and helping me to breath and stay focused and we had hypnobabies on in the background. At two different times in this phase I threw up. It wasn't pleasant, but that was the only time I was grateful that all I had eaten since 8pm Friday was juice, popsicles, jello, and water. I am grateful I was able to feel like an active participant in the birth even with an epidural.

Once I was dilated to a 10 we began talking about how my waves were not very close together and if I did try pushing the baby may just recede back between waves. We discussed Pitocin but Claudia wanted to try pushing without it first. For 15 minutes I pushed. And I made little progress because he just receded back. Yet again, my body was so confused! If my 3cm phase could have been my 10cm phase I would have been fine. We decided to take a 30 minute break and give me a low dose of Pitocin to bring my waves closer together. After just pushing for 15 minutes, I was exhausted. I am sure the whole 40 hours of labor had something to do with it as well, but I really had no idea how I was going to find the strength to push this baby out. At one point during the preliminary pushing Claudia said something about seeing hair on the baby in the middle of me trying to push. I just broke down and started bawling and couldn't push after that. I think that is when we took our break. Later they kept asking me if I wanted a mirror, but I was too scared I would get emotional if I could see it, and then not be able to push. I refused the mirror and didn't want any feedback that might make me cry. I had a baby to get out! I have to give a shout out to Marshall, Kalli, and Camilia! They really were amazing and were there any time I needed anything. I never could have down this without them. Anything I needed they were right there and that saved me so much energy!

At 7:45, with Pitocin and waves closer together I began to push. We had a few extra people in the delivery room with us because the baby had had a bowel movement in my water and they were worried that he may have swallowed some of it. I was lying on my back and Marshall and Kalli were each holding up one leg for me. I am not sure how long I pushed in this position but some really strong instincts were taking over in my body. I am not sure how to describe them other than animalistic. Something within me was telling me what I needed to do and I wasn't listening to anyone else. First I was so hot. I was working so hard and before I knew it I had ripped my hospital gown off of me and tore away the monitors they had around my stomach. I remember seeing Camilia fanning me from above and it felt so good!

Next I told Claudia that I wanted to push from my knees. It just felt like the right position, and that I would be much more efficient. As soon as I mentioned this I got a lot of feedback from the next push that I had made a lot of progress, so we all kind of forgot about it. But after some more time I again mentioned it. She was worried about how I would be able to support myself because the epidural makes you weak even though you can still feel and move your legs. It may be good to mention here, that the epidural had stopped dripping into me a while ago. They had asked me if I wanted a refill, and I don't even remember responding to them. So when I was ready to flip around the epidural was almost completely out of my system. So while Claudia wanted to talk about how I was going to flip, I just flipped over. I remember hearing her respond in shock as she watched me flip over all by myself.

Once on my knees I didn't have to push for very long before he completely crowned and his head came out, I paused briefly to make sure the cord wasn't around his neck (when I say briefly I mean briefly, I had no idea if she even had enough time to really check). Then I kept pushing and out he came. As I was turning back around I heard Marshall say, 'It's a boy,' and pump fist the air, in the I told you so way. And then they handed him to me.

Success #3: I vaginally delivered my baby!

We only got to hold him for a couple minutes because he wasn't quite breathing like they wanted him to. He had yet to take a good deep breath. Marshall quickly cut the cord and they took him right next to my bed where all those extra people in the delivery room finally had something to do. The next thing I remember is looking down and seeing my placenta.

Success #4: My placenta detached naturally, and I didn't have to push or anything for it to come out.

And then I saw a lot of blood. And Claudia began kneading my stomach. Now that my friends is painful! Marshall, having gone to watch our baby boy, returned now to my side as she kept kneading me. He was definitely nervous for all the blood I was losing and I can only imagine how it felt for him to have his wife losing blood and his son receiving help to breath properly. I just felt out of it, so it was a lot less scary for me. Luckily I was already hooked up to Pitocin so they were able to quickly increase my dosage to help stop the bleeding. It did stop. And then we were quickly told that our baby was still not breathing deeply and they wanted to take him downstairs. I didn't want them to take him, but breathing is pretty important. Marshall went with him and I got cleaned and stitched upped and we moved me to the recovery room. I got to go see baby Ernest and Marshall for a few minutes, but I knew that I needed to eat something even though I had absolutely no appetite. Camilia and Taylor stayed with me until Marshall and Ernest could come to our room and Camilia took a few pictures.

Marshall, Ernest, and I were able to spend some time together before we were ready to go to bed, and we sent Ernest to the nursery so that someone could keep an eye on his breathing. We never had any more hiccups with his breathing after that. Once he got going the champ never stopped!

Success #5: We have a healthy little boy!

Well that is my story. Maybe a little more detail than you were looking for, but it is what it is. Below you will find some amazing pictures captured by Camilia Lund. I am amazed she was able to get as many pictures as she did with such a short window to get them in. She truly is a gifted photographer! Good Job Camilia!

This is when we were in Triage the second time. Marshall was the greatest support.

Kalli! She was a huge support and am so thankful she was there for the whole ordeal.

Nurse Judy was great and with us most of our time there. Three hours before Ernest arrived Mandy started her shift and she was amazing! She even gave us a card with some cute socks in it. She was great!

This is Marshall and I during a contraction. Just having him there, close, and with me helped so much!

Pushing. Turns out it's hard.

My amazing midwife Claudia 'catching' Ernest. You can also see Mandy to the right of her.

I was only able to hold Ernest for a few minutes before they had to take him to help him breathe. Here are a few pictures that Camilia took, and there are even more! She did an amazing job with such a short time frame!