This, That, and the Other

So... do you know how many blog posts I have started and not completed and are therefore not on this blog for your reading pleasure? I do. A lot. So in an attempt to just post something here are some random thoughts I have had lately (I really hope this gets finished and posted!).

I went running today. I had to cross Lehi Main Street a few times. Usually we wait a few minutes for either a break in traffic to cross or for someone to stop for us. Today, each time I went to cross, the first car stopped for me in both directions, every time. Conclusion: I am definitely showing and people are generally nice to pregnant women. Thanks drivers!

I am learning more and more every day that I really am a cheap person and it is hard for me to spend money. This means that I usually end up buying cheap things multiple times before I finally realize it is worth paying the money for the better quality stuff. In all reality I have come a long way... but boy do I have a long way to go. The other night we were at Cafe Rio and we saw a family of 11. Yep 9 kids, 2 parents. That is 11 meals. And Cafe Rio is fairly inexpensive, but it still made me panic a little bit. Good thing they come one at a time (for the most part) and start out eating for free (if you go the breastfeeding route, which we plan to). Being cheap is probably one of the biggest reasons I try to be crafty. It's suppose to be cheaper that way. Oh but sometimes I wonder. Crafting seems expensive sometimes. Maybe I should take up extreme couponing. Marshall never comments about how much money I have spent. If anything it is the other way around. Maybe things will change one day... and maybe not.

I am getting really excited to have this little one. September can't seem to come soon enough. Not that we are ready, at all. I did buy my very first baby item. A stroller. It just made sense to buy what we probably wouldn't need for a couple months after baby comes, haha. What can I say? It was the item I was most stressed about. I just started researching different types and looking at KSL and found one for $60 in great condition that would normally be $400. I love saving money! I also made a nursing cover the other day! And bought material to make a car seat cover! We did have an ultrasound and we weren't even tempted to find out the gender. I hope things don't change later down the road, but we are feeling pretty confident with our decision. Baby is also moving pretty frequently now. It is so fun to feel, and Marshall is really enjoying that part.

Last weekend I made strawberry freezer jam for the first time! I have always wanted to make it, and for some reason thought it would be hard to make. It isn't. My friend Lindsay inspired me with a blog post about her first time making it and then the next day we got a 4lb box of strawberries on sale. It was meant to be. And it turned out so yummy! Homemade jam is the only way I will eat PB&J. It makes all the difference.

My birthday is less than a month away, and I am trying to think of fun things to do. I love birthdays and pretty much any thing we do within 2 weeks of my birthday (before or after it) I pretend is just for my birthday! I try to do something I have never done before with every birthday. Last year I got engaged and married so I just counted that. And this year I am pregnant so there are lots of new things. I am hoping we will be able to go boating that weekend, eat yummy food, and enjoy great company. Although I am sad that a lot of good friends are either moving right about now for good, or will at least be gone for the summer. I am sad to see them go, but I guess this means I will just need to have another birthday party when they get back at the end of the summer ;)

Hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day. I am celebrating this year as a Mom! Wahoo! My baby may not be in my arms yet but that first trimester was hard enough to count towards something! 

Dating Through a Marriage Lens

As you know I talk to a lot of married couples. Obviously they are sitting in my office, discussing the intimates of their personal relationship because they are dissatisfied to some level and want things to change. I think we as humans, have a natural tendency to focus on what other people are doing wrong. It only makes sense really that that is our natural reaction. And while that may not be the most efficient or productive use of our time for instigating change in their relationship, I find that getting that piece out in the open at the beginning of therapy allows the individual to feel heard and understood so that they can begin to look at their own flaws and how they are contributing to the mess.

Now a lot people complain about dumb stuff in their partner. And many times I want to look at them and say, "You are going to need to get over that one." But sometimes they bring up stuff and I think, 'Wow, I wish you would have been looking for that when you were dating because that would make marriage really hard.'  So this is my Dating 101 course. That's funny right? Course, yeah probably not. But here are some things that I think are important to look at when you are dating someone. I'd like to think these are the things that you don't hear everyday, and hope when my children are old enough to date I can look back at some of these posts and remember what is important in a potential spouse.

Maybe on another day and another post I will write about my fascination with dating from the therapist perspective, but we will save that for another day. Today I just wanted to share what I learned (or maybe was reminded) is an important trait to have in your spouse (aka YOURSELF) that will make marriage easier!

Find someone who can empathize with others and understand other's experiences. I guess those two things may mean the same thing... but maybe not. I don't think it is hard to see why this is important in a marriage. I mean, if my spouse can't understand why I would feel a certain way, he probably won't be able to understand why I would act a certain way, which would probably make him really frustrated, annoyed, and even angry with me. He may see things as my problem or my fault because he can only view the situation from his perspective and of course it looks that way from his point of view. Likewise if my husband does possess this quality he will be more likely to seek to understand why I feel or reacted a certain way. Understanding melts frustration, annoyance, and anger. So if my spouse can do that, and better yet if we can both do that, there will be less frustration, annoyance, and anger in our marriage.

However people are really good at pretending to do this when they are dating. Or maybe we aren't looking for it when we are dating, or maybe we aren't fighting, or maybe a million excuses of why people marry other people who appear incapable of understanding someone else's actions and emotions.

So what should you do? Everyone has someone they have a hard time with. Usually when you are dating them it's not you and they are not talking to you about you. But chances are they are talking to you about someone else. Their roommate, boss, sibling, parent, friend, co-worker, visiting teaching partner, etc. When that moment arises I would first respond with your own empathy for them, letting them know you get how frustrating that other person is. I would validate them and let them vent. Just let them get it all out. And just be on their side completely! Then when things start to settle down, when they have calmed a little bit, say something like, 'I wonder if they were just really sick (or whatever could have been going on for the person they are venting about), that would definitely explain why they were so short with you.' And just see. See if they can say, 'Yeah I think something must be going on for them. I know if I were sick I would have acted the same way.'

This may seem kinda dumb... like doesn't everybody do that already? Isn't is easy to see that people really have good intentions and they are not out to get you? Don't we all vent and then come to a place where we are able to understand and see things from the other person's perspective? No. We all don't. And chances are we could probably all be better at doing that. And while I can say a lot of people can and do do this. A lot of people don't. And trust me, it can cause a lot of havoc and heartache in your relationship and marriage if it is something you only notice after the I do's.

that didn't take you long

What? I am Pregnant?! 

Yep! That is right! I am pregnant!

 I am already 19 weeks so I have been able to tell a lot of people in person which has been fun. I don't really like to post personal things on facebook, so I haven't announced it on there... and we'll see if I do. But I figured I would announce it on my blog. Why not I figured. One of the reasons I keep a blog is for me to have a record of different life experiences. So here are the highlights and lowlights of being pregnant thus far. 

We found out we were expecting on Jan. 1st and we can't think of a better way to have started out the new year (although technically I knew weeks earlier that I was pregnant. I started getting some pregnancy symptoms right away).

Most memorable response to our big news: Well that didn't take you long. -Dad (mine)

(5 min. after I told her) Wait, so did you just tell me you were pregnant or did I just think that? -Colette

First Trimester highlights lowlights:  The first trimester was horrible. Well that isn't entirely true. The first 5 weeks were great. But week 6-14 were not! In fact they were miserable. And I attribute me getting through those weeks to my naivety. I kept thinking it could be worse because I had heard of people losing 15 pounds and I had only lost 5-10lbs. Pretty much I was nauseous constantly. There were two weeks were I could only eat fruit. And there were days were I would throw up three times a day. I didn't take any prescriptions (once again, I just kept thinking it wasn't that bad... just to clarify though, it was that bad). Somehow through all of this I managed to go to work. I only called in sick one day during all those weeks (and there was one day where I showed up half an hour late because I had to throw up right as I was leaving). And we continued to attend the temple regularly. But that is all I did. Nothing else. I didn't clean. I didn't cook. I didn't go out. Nothing. That all, couple with the inversion and no sun, really affected me emotionally. It was pretty rough and I am so happy to be past that all.   

Second Trimester Highlights: I don't feel sick anymore.  I don't really crave food (except one time I wanted a baked potato) but I can eat most foods even though they may not sound that appetizing. I am cooking, cleaning, getting ready, and being productive again! And the sun came out! All those things combined have really perked my emotional and mental health state! I can see why everyone says the second trimester is their favorite and I am trying to just soak in all these good days! 

Gender News: I will get an ultrasound when I am 21 weeks along. However we will not find out the gender of the baby until... well it comes out! That's right we are keeping it a surprise. I hear all the time that I am crazy or that you wouldn't be able to do that. To be honest I wasn't sure I would be able to do it with my first either. I knew that I wanted to wait to find out the gender, but I always thought it would be with my other babies, not the first one. I thought I would need to prepare. However I have been able to talk to a few moms out there who have waited to find out with their first and they have given me the courage to make it happen with this one instead of waiting. Besides everybody use to have to wait... so it's not like others haven't been able to prepare for a baby when they didn't know the gender. We are so excited, and I am hoping this extra surprise at the end of the birth will help give me the strength I need during labor!

First Movements: During the 18th and 19th weeks and I would feel something, and guess that I was feeling the baby. The first time I felt the baby move, and knew for certain that it was the baby was this last Sunday morning during General Conference, and during Niel L. Anderson to be more specific. It was such a neat experience because the baby moved enough that I was able to feel it move, recognize what it was, realize you could feel it from the outside as well, and have Marshall feel it! Since then he (I will refer to the baby here on out as he, because it is easier) hasn't moved long enough for Marshall to be able to feel him again. But that will all change soon, I am sure.

We are so excited! And a little scared. But don't worry, my pregnancy apps all let me know how normal it is to feel both of those :). And I am sure I will feel a whole array of other emotions as we continue on this journey. More than anything, we and I, feel blessed! And we are so thankful for this opportunity that we will have to begin our family. I can't think of anything I would rather be doing right now. And then right after that I remember how big of a commitment this is, and how hard it will be and I get a little scared. But that is normal, right?

Therapy Heals

I hope this doesn't shock anyone out there, but sometimes I don't have all the answers. In fact I would venture to say that most of the time I don't have the answers. Or at least I forget the answers even though sometimes they are there, just buried. Or maybe the answers don't seem big enough or right enough or whatever enough.

So here is my experience that is bringing up these random thoughts for me. Lot of times I have sessions that look something like this: Client comes in and we talk. He/She tells me what is going on for them. As they are talking, I kinda freak out a little bit. Oh no! I don't know how to fix this! What in the world am I going to tell them to help them change the situation or change them, help them heal or to feel better? Some how I usually get lucky-- honestly, I say a silent prayer and I get divine help. Something comes to my mind that I found helpful in my own therapy journey. It is usually something pretty simple, like make sure they feel heard, or validate their underlying emotion. These don't really seem big enough to make a lasting change and when they leave I may still be wondering if I did enough to help.I usually have to remind myself a few times that it is not my job to fix it for them.

A few weeks ago I had such a session. During the session I kinda felt like I was just trying to keep my head above water, hoping that he could find something of value from our 50 minutes together. Then the other day as I was looking at my clients to come in for the day, I saw his name. My first thought, 'Oh no! What I am going to do? How am I going to fix this/him? I wish I knew the answer. Oh well. Here we go.'

In he came. And he began to talk. He told me how hard it was for him to talk about the things he had said the last session. That just saying them out loud, having someone to tell them to, changed the way he looked at them and himself. That being able to have a safe place to tell someone about this side of him, the side that no one ever sees, was healing for him. And I just listen, trying not to let my jaw hit the ground. I did nothing and he is healing. Therapy, in it's simplest form can heal. And I am reminded that I don't heal people, fix problems, or give answers. I only create a safe haven for them to do their own healing and find their own answers. It is amazing that the right answer is often no answer at all, just being present and allowing them to share their experience.

Wow. What a neat experience to witness. Now if I could just figure out a way to witness it without first freaking myself out.

Talking Heals

The other day I had a client tell me, "I would never tell this to anyone but you." I don't necessarily think she/he felt that way so much because of me and who I am or our relationship (although I do think those things helped) but more so the setting we are in and what that means. Naturally the place that you would share the stuff they wouldn't share with pretty much anybody else would be in your counselor or therapist's office. That is their job. And what you tell them comes with a guaranteed seal that it will stay in that room.  I think we all have stuff that we don't just tell everyone, including those people really close to us. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with that (as long as it stays within healthy limits... it's hard to have an intimate relationship with someone if you don't tell them anything). And I still remember the day I shared some stuff with my therapist that I haven't shared with anyone else. And boy did it feel good!

It felt good because I believe it was a healing experience. I am not entirely sure why this healing takes place in this way. But I think this healing happens in two phases. The first phase is you just saying it out loud. In that moment you are doing so many different things; owning it, accepting it (at least to some degree), you've identified it, labeled it, and I am sure more. Now the second healing comes in the reaction of the person in whom you have confided. Ideally they would respond with love and acceptance of you as a person. I think we are often afraid that we won't get that from people and that is why we keep things in. We are scared we will be judged,  rejected, and hurt. And sometimes knowing that we are paying our therapist to respond 'the right way' gives us the courage we need to open up and tell someone.

Sometimes the stuff that people share can be pretty heavy, but I hope everyone has a place they can share that stuff. And if you don't... or if you think what you have to share is too heavy for your loved ones, get in to see a counselor. You will be amazed at how good you will feel when you get it out of you. And if I were you I would do everything in your power to leave that stuff in their office and not take it out with you. Say it, get it out, and leave it! It is healing, I promise!

Best. Ever.

Best gift ever?

Paying off my student loans. 

Best feeling ever?

Having my student loans paid off!!

The end.

Christmas Cards!

We got our act together very last minute and decided to send out Christmas Cards! Some how it all came together and none of the credit should go to my planning, but I do owe some people a huge THANK YOU!

Camilia (my sister) has been working on her photography skills and they have improved immensely from the beginning of the summer to now. She was gracious enough to take a few pictures of Marshall and I on Thanksgiving. Even though I knew we would be taking pictures, I didn't even think about what we would be wearing in the pictures until we were already up to my Dad's house, with only the clothes each of us packed individually. hmm...this was going to be interesting.

Once we ate and it was time to take pictures we realized the sun was setting rapidly. I brushed through my hair and asked my sister if I could wear the scarf she was wearing at that moment. She obliged. THANK YOU ANITA! Then as we (me, marshall, camilia, taylor, and who knows who else was looking on) tried to decide what Marshall could wear that would work with what I was wearing, my brother-in-law literally took the shirt off his back and offered it to Marshall. It worked! THANK YOU TAYLOR! 

Outside we went and Camilis literally spent 10 min and got quite a few good shots! What a talented artist! THANK YOU CAMILIA!

Once we received the pictures and settled on one I began looking at different companies where I could purchase cards. There were some really cute ones, but the cheapest price I was able to find would have been at least a $1 for each card and I would have had to get a square which I guess would mean I would have to spend more for postage! Ahh! I was so frustrated. The most frustrating part was that I was pretty sure if I knew how to use the right program I could design a card myself and save some money.  Well, since I don't know how to I contacted my friend Amy who does! She was such a life saver! I have a simple design in mind and she was able to pull it together in less than 15 minutes and on top of that she directed me to a printing company that was such a great price! THANK YOU AMY!

With everyone's help we were able to get dressed for pictures, take them, design a card, and print them. I think the only thing I really managed to do on my own was stuff them! Oh boy! Needless to say I already have one of my goals for 2013 I am going to learn all I need to learn in order to design my own cards! I think  for this year I will still leave the picture taking up to someone else, but maybe I could also plan our clothes out next year ;)

Here are a few pictures from the photo shoot. Our first family pictures after the wedding!